8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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