we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
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I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I am one with the molecules
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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