you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
