im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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