You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
