Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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