All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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