Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
