I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
