Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
