She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
