Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
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