There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Every concussion has its silver lining
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
