my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
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