That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
