Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
