i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
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Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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