I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
