Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My ATM looks so different sober.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
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Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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