if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
