Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
