Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
