you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
