i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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