I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
being pregnant is like rehab
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
