She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
