So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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