I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
