I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
