The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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