She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
operation have a gay friend backfired
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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