If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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