His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
