I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
