I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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