found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I will pee on everything he values.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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