I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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