You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
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Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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