Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
