I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
