Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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