I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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