My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You don't make any sense
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