I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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