All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
