he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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