my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
