R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
