Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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