i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
