You just made me feel so damn special
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
