I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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