I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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